This mothers day I woke up at 7am. I checked my emails and had a peppermint tea. I woke my partner, gave her a lap dance to Nine Inch Nails ‘Closer’ and then we fucked. After that I went to the shops and bought all the ingredients for Eggs Benedict and Eggs Atlantic (the latter is smoked salmon as my daughter has recently decided to become a pescetarian). I made breakfast which we all had at the table together, as we do for dinner every evening, and we talked about how much we love each other. After that I popped out to Vondel Park to shoot a little something in the outdoors for the website. When I got back my daughter had made me a card and was preparing her Mother’s Day dinner and dessert. We had dinner, watched the Adam’s family values together and by and large a pleasant and relaxing day was had by all.
I’ve recently had a conversation on my website forum about parenting and my sex life. It is a familiar story that people feel that being a parent and having an active sex life are incompatible things. That our sex lives have to be entirely separate from our family home life and our children should not witness us as sexual beings. This attitude is so unhealthy for us all but what is far more salient is that it is unhealthy for our children. We hide what we are ashamed of. Even if we have never told our children outright that sex is bad, hiding it utterly from them that you have and enjoy sex does this far more effectively than speaking the words out loud. In fact it is even worse because the wall of silence and pretence leaves children and their own sexualities completely lost at sea with no guidance from those closest to them who could help them the most. It is irresponsible as a parent not to talk about sex with your children. It is irresponsible as a parent not to have open lines of communication with your children about their understanding of sex and sexuality. It is irresponsible as parent to pretend to your children that you don’t have sex and that sex has nothing to do with daily life. It is irresponsible as a parent to give up sex and be miserable and resentful because the battle to reconcile parenthood and sexual fulfilment feels too hard.
Like most parents who are enjoying an active sex life, my daughter, when she was four I think, walked in on me fucking saying “mummy are you okay?” heh heh. No big deal though. Of course I stopped having sex at that point told her everything was grand, gave her a cuddle and put her back to bed. Then I went back and finished having sex. I also love having morning sex on the weekends (and weekdays if I can) so I often used to give her a movie to watch in the living room while that took place.
Once when she was about six and I was having morning sex with a lover at the time while my daughter was down stairs playing with a friend she had over for a sleepover they both snuck upstairs knocked on the door and said “you’re humping in there” giggled and squealed like loonies as they mad dashed back down the stairs. This was hilarious but unfortunately my lover was too “freaked out” about it to continue having sex. I, on the other hand, would have been fine. I don’t need to shelter people in my house, or the houses neighbouring for that matter, from the sound of sex, not even my children. This is a big part of not allowing shame about sex to get to you via parenting…our achilles heal.
Sometimes my daughter gives me shit jovially about having noisy sex that she can hear in her bedroom or elsewhere around the house and I simply tell her that she’ll thank me for the example one day and that a happy mummy makes for a happy family.